Jokes & funny quotes.

A blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and

pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, 'Oh, no, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?'

The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations

after giving me flowers,

and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'

 

 
 

The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase!? 

 

 

An Essex girl and An Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices
something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why
doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on
it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies,
"Well, oim a little bit tick, you see. The one with the R is for me
roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers ave
got C&A on them."
 

 

 

News Flash     News Flash     News Flash
 
FEMALE HORMONES DETECTED IN BEER

Science marches on...

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them:

(a)    gained weight
 
(b)    talked excessively without making sense
 
(c)    became emotional
 
(d)    couldn't drive
 
(e)    refused to apologize when wrong.
 

No further testing is planned.

 

Drunk man
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He looks at his clock, it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch.

It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
 
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
 
 
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

 

 

2 Builders joke!

Two builders (Chas and Dave) are seated either side of a table in
a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and
sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
suit.

Chas: -I reckon he's an accountant.
Dave: -No way, he's a stockbroker.
Chas: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of
beer gets the better of Chas and he makes for the toilet. On
entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a
urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the
builder...

Chas: -Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chas: -Oh! What's that then?
Suit: -I'll try to explain by example...Do you have a goldfish at
home?
Chas: -Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or
in a pond. Which is it?
Chas: -It's in a pond!
Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?
Chas: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if
you have a large garden that you have a large house?
Chas: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it
myself!
Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
you are quite probably married?
Chas: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chas: -Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not
masturbate very often?
Chas: -Me? Never
Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chas: -How's that then?
Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told
you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your
family and your sex life!
Chas: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chas returns to his mate.

Dave: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chas: -Yep ! He's a logical scientist!
Dave: -What's that then?
Chas: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Dave: -Nope
Chas: -Well then, you're a wa*ker
 

 

 
Some quality commentating... 

 

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use  Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

ULRIKA Johnson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when
she  revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."

LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our
resident stylist is here to give our model one."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:" Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Richard Whitely asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on
Countdown:"Ah,'erection', let's see it up please Carol."

DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain
Hunt, said  to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes,"
he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."

HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith
Keppel  on This Morning: "She was practicing fastest finger first by herself
in
bed  last night."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:" Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in
Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was
getting it twice a day in my hotel room."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he
just tossed it off."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."

STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 meters at the World Athletics
Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devenish has got the Olympic
champion  inside him."

CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in
contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's
enough Dick for both of you."

EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on
Antiques Road show when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical,
wonderful knob I have ever seen."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

 

 

Hell vs. Heaven

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 
Arthritis...
 
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
 
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
 
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
 
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

 

 

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase
"Spending a penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2001.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: "Euronating"

 

A taxi driver was driving down a busy city street with his passenger, when the passenger lightly tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.  This startled the taxi driver so much that he lost control of the cab.  The cab shot across the busy street between oncoming traffic, up onto the pavement narrowly missing pedestrians and finally coming to stop only inches from a storefront window.  Everything in the cab was silent for a brief moment, then the driver furiously turned to the passenger and screamed, “ DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN”.  The shocked passenger apologetically said, “I’m sorry….I had no idea a light tap on the shoulder would scare you so badly”.  The Taxi driver replied, “I’m sorry…. it wasn’t your fault….today’s my first day driving a cab…… I was a undertaker in my last job, driving the hearse!!!!

 

Essex girl jokes!

 

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name"
Girl: "Sharon"
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate"


An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on
the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl,
"There's f*ck*ng hundreds of them!"
An Essex girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and  help  me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,  then turns
to her and says…….. put all these Frosties back in the box !!!.


Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car
till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
Sharon: Ok
Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up
Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!


 

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to 'beautiful'? His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
 

 

Got any better ones? send them HERE

 

 

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